So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
