so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
