Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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