I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
