I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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