Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
