if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
