Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
