I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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