Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
