lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Sober January is a disaster.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
