I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
