Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
this is an emotional support booty call
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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