im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
