Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
