I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
