I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
