using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
