I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
