remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize