I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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