I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
