I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
