toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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