I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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