I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
