I wish I could teleport
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
