I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
