I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
