Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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