Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
