something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
