hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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