I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
