i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
