I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We got so high we made milksteak
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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