I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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