My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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