Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Randomize
