When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
