Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
