I'm eating all of the evidence.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
