just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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