Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Come see our sink grown plant.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
