But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize