dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
