i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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