There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
