she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
