Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
