so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
