I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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