Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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