Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
