Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I understand Curling. That high.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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