Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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