I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize