ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
